80 Years to Live

One day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who passes by. For this I will give you twenty years to live."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking, how about I take ten and give you ten back?"

God agreed.

Then, God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this I will give you twenty years to live."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's kinda long. How about I take ten and give you back ten."

God agreed.

Then, God created the cow.

God said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I give you sixty years to live."

The cow said, "That's a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about I give you forty and keep twenty?" 

God agreed.

Then God created man.

"Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy you're life. For this I will give you twenty years to live."

But man said," Only twenty years? That's sort of short. Could you give me the years the cow gave back, the monkey gave back, and the dog gave back?"

God said, "OK, but you asked for it."

Now, that is why you eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy you're life for the first twenty years of you're life, the next forty you slave under the hot sun to produce for you're family, the next ten you do monkey tricks to entertain others, and the last ten you sit by you're door and bark at everyone.

Life has been explained.

Punishment for Something He Didn't Do

Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't do?

Teacher: Of corse not!

Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!

256 Million Happy People

Obama, Oprah, and Michelle are flying on Obama's private plane. 

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make  ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'

Need a Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Pimp My Alpaca

Most Often Read Piece of Literature

What's the most often read piece of literature?

Window's error messages.

Macho and Sensitive Man

This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta