100th Joke Special

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Red Pirate Shirt

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.”

“That’s very sensible, sir.”

At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

“Get my brown pants.”

Monkey/Baby

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Stupid Cops

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend.”

The Sarge replied, “You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never be able to catch ‘em.”

Farrah Fawcet

Farrah fawcet died and went to heaven. God gave her one wish. She wished all the children in the world would be safe, so God killed Micheal Jackson.

Two Blondes and a Convertable

Two dumb blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.

Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other dumb blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

“HURRY, HURRY, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”

Blondes and the Lucky Slot Machine

Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.

Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.

The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.

After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!

“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”

“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”

“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “did I find a good slot machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”