Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Call RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Hungry Snake
Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Best Elephant Book Contest
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire.”
The French submited a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant — a Personal Account.”
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear.”
The Americans submited an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants — the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s”
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry “Elephants — they’re better than People”
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled “The superiority of the Soviet Elephant” and submited a poem “The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.”
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”
The British submited a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire.”
The French submited a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant — a Personal Account.”
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear.”
The Americans submited an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants — the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s”
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry “Elephants — they’re better than People”
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled “The superiority of the Soviet Elephant” and submited a poem “The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.”
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Top 15 Household Pet Dishes
Top 15 Household Pet Dishes
15. Angelfish Cake
14. Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13. Chow Chow Mein
12. Bran Muffy
11. Eggs BenjiDict
10. Yorkieshire pudding
9. Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7. Shrimp Cockatiel
6. Fettucine AlFido
5. Chicken Poodle Soup
4. Turtlellini
3. Lhasa Thermidor
2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
1. I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
15. Angelfish Cake
14. Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13. Chow Chow Mein
12. Bran Muffy
11. Eggs BenjiDict
10. Yorkieshire pudding
9. Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7. Shrimp Cockatiel
6. Fettucine AlFido
5. Chicken Poodle Soup
4. Turtlellini
3. Lhasa Thermidor
2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
1. I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
Friday, October 15, 2010
Not-That-Smart Dog
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse tied round his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.
He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.
The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several minutes and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.” The owner replied, “He’s not all that smart. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.
He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.
The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several minutes and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.” The owner replied, “He’s not all that smart. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Two Female Parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him,”Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say,” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time!” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw these two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi,we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered.”
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time!” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw these two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi,we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered.”
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Monkey in the Car Wreck
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Gorilla Pest Control
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”
“Male,” he replies.
“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”
The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”
“Male,” he replies.
“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”
The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Blonde Horseback Rider
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Top Ten Jokes for 10/10/10
Go here to see the top ten jokes!
http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/top_ten.mv
http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/top_ten.mv
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Slacker Quotes
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
Friday, October 8, 2010
More Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. The man ate an Indian.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. The man ate an Indian.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Chuck Norris Jokes
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris
For more go to http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/chuck-norris-jokes.html
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris
For more go to http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/chuck-norris-jokes.html
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Bicycle Smuggler
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard. “Sand,” said the cyclist. “Get them off – we ll take a look,” said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what is it you were smu ggling?” “Bicycles!”
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Definition of Stealing
"It's not stealing if no one sees you do it"
-Detective Dan Stark, Dallas PD
-Detective Dan Stark, Dallas PD
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Blonde's Thermous
One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a thermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What does it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have in it? I have coffee and a Popsicle in it.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Italian Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..
FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.
FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'
FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.
FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital.
FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those who wish they were ITALIAN...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
100th Joke Special
http://www.jokes2go.com/top-100-jokes.html
Go to this site for the top 100 jokes!!
Go to this site for the top 100 jokes!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Red Pirate Shirt
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.”
“That’s very sensible, sir.”
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
“Get my brown pants.”
“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.”
“That’s very sensible, sir.”
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
“Get my brown pants.”
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monkey/Baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Stupid Cops
One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend.”
The Sarge replied, “You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never be able to catch ‘em.”
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend.”
The Sarge replied, “You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never be able to catch ‘em.”
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Farrah Fawcet
Farrah fawcet died and went to heaven. God gave her one wish. She wished all the children in the world would be safe, so God killed Micheal Jackson.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Two Blondes and a Convertable
Two dumb blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other dumb blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
“HURRY, HURRY, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other dumb blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
“HURRY, HURRY, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Blondes and the Lucky Slot Machine
Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.
Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.
The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.
After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!
“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”
“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”
“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “did I find a good slot machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”
The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.
Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.
The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.
After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!
“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”
“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”
“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “did I find a good slot machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Muffins
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Holy crap, a talking muffin!!!"
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Holy crap, a talking muffin!!!"
Friday, September 24, 2010
Proverbs
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Bear In the Movies
A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there is a bear sitting next to him. He turns to the bear and says, "Aren't you a bear?" The bear nods, so the man asks, "So what are you doing at the movies?" The bear says, "Well, I liked the book."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Chihuahua Guide Dog
There were these two buddies out walking their dogs, one with a Doberman pinscher and the other with a chihuahua, when they smelled something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs."
The guy with the Doberman says, "Just follow me lead." He puts on a pair of dark pair of glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, "Sorry pal, no dogs allowed."
The man says, "Oh, you don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye Dog."
The owner, skeptical, says, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The Doberman's master says, "Yes, they're using them now - they're very good and they protect me from robbers, too." The owner says, "OK, come on in."
When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on dark glasses and walk in. Once again, the restaurant owner says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."
They guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye Dog."
"A Chihuahua?"
"A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua!?!"
The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs."
The guy with the Doberman says, "Just follow me lead." He puts on a pair of dark pair of glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, "Sorry pal, no dogs allowed."
The man says, "Oh, you don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye Dog."
The owner, skeptical, says, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The Doberman's master says, "Yes, they're using them now - they're very good and they protect me from robbers, too." The owner says, "OK, come on in."
When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on dark glasses and walk in. Once again, the restaurant owner says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."
They guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye Dog."
"A Chihuahua?"
"A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua!?!"
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Obama Special
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
New Bowling Rules
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wolves and Fleas
What's the difference between wolves and fleas?
One howls on the prarie and the other prowls on the hairy.
One howls on the prarie and the other prowls on the hairy.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Monday, September 13, 2010
Compliment
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I was in a bar
Yesterday I was in a bar when I realized I really needed to fart. There was music playing so I timed my farts perfectly to the beat. I saw everybody was looking at me when I realized I was listening to my iPod.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Misbehaving Guide Dog
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took
out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog.
A busy body who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".
The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".
The man reached in his pocket and took
out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog.
A busy body who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".
The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Farts with Lumps
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Assassin Interview
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."
The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."
The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Wailing Wall
A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew whohad been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew whohad been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Windows Is Not a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Our Children's Lives
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
No Tickets
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Who Would Win
Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the Old Spice Guy?
Leave answer in the comments.
Leave answer in the comments.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Glass
The glass in different views:
Optimistic: Thinks the glass is half full.
Pessimistic: Thinks the glass is half empty.
Realist: Thinks the glass is half filled.
Alcoholic: Thinks someone should drink the vodka in there already.
Critic: Thinks the glass is F%@*ing ugly!
Philosopher: Thinks the relationship between the glass and the liquid should be analyzed by different points of view.
American: Thinks the water in the glass should be sugared and his double XXL fries should have been ready by now.
Nihilist: Thinks the glass doesn't exist, and neither does he.
Cleptoman: Thinks the glass could fit in his pocket.
Capitalist: Thinks if he bottled it and gave it a New Agey name he could make a fortune.
Idealist: Thinks that one day, cold-fusion from this glass of water will provide unlimited energy and end war.
Communist: Thinks this drink belongs to every single one of us in equal measure.
Sexist: Says, "This glass isn't going to refill itself, honeybun."
Meth addict: Thinks the glass looks a little like a crocodile.
Jesus: Thinks the water shall turn to wine.
Muslim: Thinks the glass insults his religion.
Blonde: Thinks the glass is, like, used for, like, drinking.
Nerd: Thinks the liquid in the glass is most likely H2O.
Aboriginal: Thinks the transparent object is cursed.
Artist: Thinks the glass creates a controlled time-space totally in absurd environment.
Racist: Thinks the glass should get the s$@% out of his country.
Conspiracist: Thinks the government is fluoridating the water for mind-control purposes.
Rebel: Thinks the glass should be broken.
Zombie: Thinks GHgesjhbgDFh EGhjsdgjkbgwjkbeg KJgkrghkjGFKJg
(Is the glass half full or half empty (or any of these others)? Leave answer in comments.)
Optimistic: Thinks the glass is half full.
Pessimistic: Thinks the glass is half empty.
Realist: Thinks the glass is half filled.
Alcoholic: Thinks someone should drink the vodka in there already.
Critic: Thinks the glass is F%@*ing ugly!
Philosopher: Thinks the relationship between the glass and the liquid should be analyzed by different points of view.
American: Thinks the water in the glass should be sugared and his double XXL fries should have been ready by now.
Nihilist: Thinks the glass doesn't exist, and neither does he.
Cleptoman: Thinks the glass could fit in his pocket.
Capitalist: Thinks if he bottled it and gave it a New Agey name he could make a fortune.
Idealist: Thinks that one day, cold-fusion from this glass of water will provide unlimited energy and end war.
Communist: Thinks this drink belongs to every single one of us in equal measure.
Sexist: Says, "This glass isn't going to refill itself, honeybun."
Meth addict: Thinks the glass looks a little like a crocodile.
Jesus: Thinks the water shall turn to wine.
Muslim: Thinks the glass insults his religion.
Blonde: Thinks the glass is, like, used for, like, drinking.
Nerd: Thinks the liquid in the glass is most likely H2O.
Aboriginal: Thinks the transparent object is cursed.
Artist: Thinks the glass creates a controlled time-space totally in absurd environment.
Racist: Thinks the glass should get the s$@% out of his country.
Conspiracist: Thinks the government is fluoridating the water for mind-control purposes.
Rebel: Thinks the glass should be broken.
Zombie: Thinks GHgesjhbgDFh EGhjsdgjkbgwjkbeg KJgkrghkjGFKJg
(Is the glass half full or half empty (or any of these others)? Leave answer in comments.)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
80 Years to Live
One day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who passes by. For this I will give you twenty years to live."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking, how about I take ten and give you ten back?"
God agreed.
Then, God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this I will give you twenty years to live."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's kinda long. How about I take ten and give you back ten."
God agreed.
Then, God created the cow.
God said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I give you sixty years to live."
The cow said, "That's a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about I give you forty and keep twenty?"
God agreed.
Then God created man.
"Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy you're life. For this I will give you twenty years to live."
But man said," Only twenty years? That's sort of short. Could you give me the years the cow gave back, the monkey gave back, and the dog gave back?"
God said, "OK, but you asked for it."
Now, that is why you eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy you're life for the first twenty years of you're life, the next forty you slave under the hot sun to produce for you're family, the next ten you do monkey tricks to entertain others, and the last ten you sit by you're door and bark at everyone.
Life has been explained.
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who passes by. For this I will give you twenty years to live."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking, how about I take ten and give you ten back?"
God agreed.
Then, God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this I will give you twenty years to live."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's kinda long. How about I take ten and give you back ten."
God agreed.
Then, God created the cow.
God said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I give you sixty years to live."
The cow said, "That's a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about I give you forty and keep twenty?"
God agreed.
Then God created man.
"Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy you're life. For this I will give you twenty years to live."
But man said," Only twenty years? That's sort of short. Could you give me the years the cow gave back, the monkey gave back, and the dog gave back?"
God said, "OK, but you asked for it."
Now, that is why you eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy you're life for the first twenty years of you're life, the next forty you slave under the hot sun to produce for you're family, the next ten you do monkey tricks to entertain others, and the last ten you sit by you're door and bark at everyone.
Life has been explained.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Punishment for Something He Didn't Do
Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't do?
Teacher: Of corse not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
Teacher: Of corse not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
256 Million Happy People
Obama, Oprah, and Michelle are flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Need a Bad Day to Get Into Heaven
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Most Often Read Piece of Literature
What's the most often read piece of literature?
Window's error messages.
Window's error messages.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Macho and Sensitive Man
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Vampire's walk into a bar
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Buffalo Theory
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Chopped Beef and Pea Soup
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Any one can chop beef, but no one can pea soup.
Any one can chop beef, but no one can pea soup.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Monkey That Eats Everything
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Dig a hole and fill it back up
Two guys work for the city: one furiously digs a hole, the other quickly fills the hole.
A confused passerby asks, "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"
The digger leans on his shovel and replies, "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."
A confused passerby asks, "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"
The digger leans on his shovel and replies, "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Revenge
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Big Man
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Friday, July 30, 2010
Special Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
Thursday, July 29, 2010
"If you had what I had"
A guy walks into the bar and orders 12 shots. He starts drinking as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The man says, "You would be drinking as fast as me if you had what I have."
"What do you have?"
"75 cents."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
3 shots
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. After drinking, he leaves.
The next day, the same man walks into the bar and orders three shots. The bartender says, "You know I can put all of those in one glass." The man says, "I know. This shot is for me and the other two are for my brothers in Ireland."
This routine goes on for some time now, but one day the man only buys two shots. The bartender asked, "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" The man said, "No. I just decided to quit drinking."
The next day, the same man walks into the bar and orders three shots. The bartender says, "You know I can put all of those in one glass." The man says, "I know. This shot is for me and the other two are for my brothers in Ireland."
This routine goes on for some time now, but one day the man only buys two shots. The bartender asked, "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" The man said, "No. I just decided to quit drinking."
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Yo dawg
Yo dawg, I heard yo and yo dawg like yo yos so we put yo dawg in yo yo yo so yo can yo yo yo dawg while yo dawg yo yos, dawg.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
"Great" writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Lightbulbs
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it really has to want to change.
One, but it really has to want to change.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Four Catholic Sons
Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Blonde's E-mail
A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.
The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.
"That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"
The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.
"That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Washington, Nixon, and Bush
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Dubya doesn't know the difference.
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Dubya doesn't know the difference.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Blondes aren't dumb
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Dead Bird
A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Psychology - Emotional Extremes
At a southern university, students in the psychology program attend their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
Monday, July 12, 2010
Nuts
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
How I Wish to Die
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Letter From Mom
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Friday, July 9, 2010
The Number One Sport
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Farts All the Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Sunday, July 4, 2010
3 Girls on an Island
3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are stranded on an island. It is 100 miles to the mainland. The redhead swims 15 miles; then drowns. The brunette swims 30 miles; then drowns. The blonde swims 50 miles, gets tired, and swims back.
Also...
Happy 4th of July!
Also...
Happy 4th of July!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Chicken Coops
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they'd be a chicken Sudan.
Because if they had four doors they'd be a chicken Sudan.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Blondes
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dead Turkeys
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Blonde Stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Anniversary gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The blonde handyman
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Friday, June 25, 2010
Blonde snowmen
Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman?
You have to hollow out the head first.
You have to hollow out the head first.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The genie and the alcoholic
This man walks into a bar and sees this lamp on the counter. He decides to rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You have freed my from that lamp, now you may have three wishes." The man thinks about it then says, "I wish for a bottle of beer that when I drink it, it will fill back up." The genie grants his wish and the man takes a drink fom the bottle and once he'd finished, the beer filled right back up. The genie said, "You still gave two more wishes." The man said, "Heck, I'll take two more like these!"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Three-year-olds
The police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Badum Che.
Badum Che.
Monday, June 21, 2010
String in a bar
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Fortune Cookies
Word to the wise... and also you... don't give advice to fortune cookies, they don't like that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)