2 Rules in Life

1. I'm always right
2. If I'm wrong refer to rule 1

Bullfighter

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

Outside

I went outside once. The graphics were good but the story sucked

Poke-book

Facebook is just a pokedex of people

Cool Brownies

ET Phone Star Wars

In Star Wars, in the galactic senate, ETs species is sitting on one of the platforms. In ET, during Halloween, there is a kid dressed as Yoda. ET goes up to him and says, "Home", because they are from the same galaxy

Bad Luck Brian

Bad Luck Brian:
Finally made crush laugh

By asking her out

Sodium Hydrogen

I was gonna say a sodium hydrogen joke, but NaH

Impossible

3 most difficult things to do:

1. Count your hair
2. Wash your eyes with soap
3. Breath with your tongue out



Now please put your tongue back inside

LOL

Whenever I say lol, I usually don't laugh out loud, I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

Canadian Politics

What are the two main political parties in Canada?

Moose and Squirrel

Likes My Facebook Status

She likes my Facebook status once a year, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious

Blonde Dog

Why does a blonde dog have lumps on his head?
From chasing parked cars!

Wise Dr Seuss 2

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Allergic

I exercised once, and I found I was allergic. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I was sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

Wise Mark Twain

Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. - Mark Twain

Internet

On the Internet you can be anyone you want

It's amazing so many people choose to be stupid

Unicorn Girlfriend

I like to compare my girlfriend to a unicorn.

Beautiful, majestic, and non existent

Marriam Webster

I like Webster so much, I think I'll Marriam

Penguins are Sweet

When a male penguin falls in love with a female penguin, he searches the entire beach looking for the perfect pebble to present her

Black Friday

Black Friday - Because only in America will people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they have

Thanksgiving 2012

Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!

Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!

After Thanksgiving dinner was finished, Mort saw his little brother Sid in the backyard, poking holes in the dirt and filling them in with birdseed.
"Why are you planting birdseed?" Mort asked.
"I'm growing next year's turkey," Sid replied.

Jets Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

Free Drinks

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Clever Kid: Glenn

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?

Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-L-E

Teacher: Sorry, that's wrong

Glenn: It may be wrong but you asked how I spelled it

Blonde Calculator

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

She couldn't find the 10 key.

Wise Kurt Vonnegut

Red Bull Coffee

I poured Red Bull in my coffee this morning.

I can see sounds

From the Internet

Nicki Minaj Concert

I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert until I realized it was just a homeless guy screaming at a pigeon

Blonde Shoots an Arrow

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

The Bats' Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Johnny Bravo

Host: So, Johnny, it says here your hobbies are women, girls, and chicks.

Johnny: And babes, don't forget babes.

Kids are Great

Teacher: Ok Maria, go to the map and find North America

Maria points to North America

Teacher: Good job. Now class, who discovered North America?

Class: Maria

Star Hogshire

I don't get my acceptance letter to Hogwarts, so I'm going to leave the shire to become a Jedi

Noble Gas

If a king farts, is it a noble gas?

What the Universe is Made of

When scientists said the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons, they forgot to mention morons

Proud Father

My father was never proud of me. One time he asked me how old I was:
I said, "I'm five."
He said, "When I was your age, I was six."

Cause of Death:

Cause of Death:
Patient laid down the bogey and played that funky music till he died

Yo Song Is So Old

Friend: That song is so old!
Me: Well, your mom is old, but you still listen to her.

Disney and Star Wars!!

Star Wars episode 7 coming out 2015!!!

Policeman at My Door

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

Who You Are - Wise Dr Seuss

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind- Dr Seuss

I luv u

"I luv u"
"Really?"
"Ya, it's my favorite vowel"

Telekinesis

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand

Geology

In geology class:
Name three types of rocks-

1. Classic
2. Punk
3. Hard

I See Dead People

Next time I'm alone somewhere and someone starts talking to me, I'll whisper, "You can see me?"

Star Gazing

So, I was laying in my bed, gazing at stars, when I saw I beautiful comet pass by. Then I thought to myself, "Where did my roof go?"

A Horse Walks Into a Bar

So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse, incapable of understanding the human language, promptly craps on the floor and leaves.

Luigi is Tired of Being Second Best

BeAuTi full

Hey girl, are you full of Beryllium, Gold, and Titanium? Because you are Be-Au-Ti full.

Password

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so if I forget, it just tells me.

Hypocrites

There are two things I hate in this world: people who hate and hypocrites.

Walk Into Mordor

Once someone confused Obi wan with Frodo
(Sigh)
Wan does not simply walk into Mordor.

Fisherman Skrillex

Skrillex can't go fishing because he always drops the bass.

Pokemon Valentine

Charmanders are red

Squirtles are blue
If you were a Pokemon
I'd choose you.
Your smile is stronger than a hyperbeam
Like Jesse and James,
We'd make the perfect team.
I'd stay on your side
Like Pikachu and Ash
And I'll love you more than a level 80 Rapidash.
You're more legendary than Zapados,
Entei, or Mew,
But out of all 450,
I'd choose you.

I Made This

Roses are grey...

Roses are grey
Violets are grey
Everything's grey
I'm a dog

Tennis

The depressing thing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f***ing relentless.

Grammar - The Difference

Grammar - The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit

Geek Hierarchy

Geek: Understands, creates, and fixes really cool stuff.
Nerd: Understands and collects really cool stuff.
Dork: Confused by really cool stuff.

Ugly Until...

Women call me ugly until they find out how much I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Wise Plato 2

"Humans were created with 4 arms, 4 legs, and 2 faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them each into two seperate parts, condemning them to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other halves." -Plato

Motivated

I'm not lazy. I'm highly motivated to do nothing.

Forked up

Did you hear? Jimmy got knifed! That's forked up! ... Too spoon?

What is love?

One day, a little girl asked her brother, "What is love?" The boy responded, "Love is when you keep stealing the chocolate from my lunch box everyday, but I still keep it in the same place."

Wise Plato

Wise people talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something. -Plato

His Milkshakes

Walking Directions

This is why I love Google

Bridge in Slovakia

There was a bridge built in Slovakia that's name has been put to a vote, and the highest vote right now is on the name "Chuck Norris". There's only one problem with that... Nobody crosses Chuck Norris!

Star Wars Yo Mama Jokes

Yo mama so fat, Obi-wan said, "That's no moon, that's yo mama!" Yo mama so stupid, she thought Jar Jar, comes with pickles pickles! Yo mama so ugly, she put the ug in Ugnaught Yo mama so stupid, she kept saying, "Am not," to R2! Yo mama so stupid, she went to Bancock, to get a TIE fighter!

To do list

Monday: Shuffle Tuesday: Shuffle Wednesday: Shuffle Thursday: Shuffle Friday: Shuffle Saturday: Shuffle Sunday: Shuffle

Magic Pool

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in." So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird craps on his head, and he yells "Oh Sh**!"

Fancy Mustard

I thought of a great commercial for the grey poupon mustard:

It's a burger, and when you open it it has a sign that says "Poupon me".

Three Types of People

There are three types of people in this world: 1. Those who can finish lists

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times.

Schrodinger's Cat

If Schrodinger's Cat walks into a forest, and no one is around to observe it, is he really in the forest?

Little Johnny and His Grandma

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.

Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.

He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone. She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared.

Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her. The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't' know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'sugar'. We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name."

"We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she continued, "because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"

"Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously, "What did he say?"

"He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'A B****!"

Brandu = Russian Bull

Hi, I'm Brandu. Some of you may know me as Russian Bull. Just to let you know, I AM RUSSIAN BULL AND BRANDU. So... hi.

I RETURN!!! (and so do the Chuck Norris jokes)

That post down there is from 3 months ago. That's no good! To start the ball rolling again I'll start with something easy... A Chuck Norris joke!

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.