Muffins

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Holy crap, a talking muffin!!!"

Proverbs

You never test the depth of a river with both feet.

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

The Intterupting Cow

Knock, knock

Who's there?

The interrup-

MOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Bear In the Movies

A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there is a bear sitting next to him. He turns to the bear and says, "Aren't you a bear?" The bear nods, so the man asks, "So what are you doing at the movies?" The bear says, "Well, I liked the book."

How To Catch a Squirrel

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Chihuahua Guide Dog

There were these two buddies out walking their dogs, one with a Doberman pinscher and the other with a chihuahua, when they smelled something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.


The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs."

The guy with the Doberman says, "Just follow me lead." He puts on a pair of dark pair of glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, "Sorry pal, no dogs allowed."

The man says, "Oh, you don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye Dog."

The owner, skeptical, says, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The Doberman's master says, "Yes, they're using them now - they're very good and they protect me from robbers, too." The owner says, "OK, come on in."

When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on dark glasses and walk in. Once again, the restaurant owner says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed."

They guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye Dog."

"A Chihuahua?"

"A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua!?!"

Obama Special

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.