Slacker Quotes

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

More Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. The man ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris Jokes

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

For more go to http://www.free-funny-jokes.com/chuck-norris-jokes.html

Bicycle Smuggler

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard. “Sand,” said the cyclist. “Get them off – we ll take a look,” said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what is it you were smu ggling?” “Bicycles!”

The Definition of Stealing

"It's not stealing if no one sees you do it"
-Detective Dan Stark, Dallas PD

The Blonde's Thermous

One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. 
The Blonde asked the clerk what it was.  The Clerk said it was a
thermous.  What does the thermous do?  It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to
work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what
is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said.  What does
it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have
in it? I have coffee and a Popsicle in it.

Italian Friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.

FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital.

 

FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized

 

FRIENDS: Are for a while.

ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.

ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those who wish they were ITALIAN...